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What do you do when someone is angry at you or upset with something you did or didn’t do?  I used to take it personally and “fight” back defending myself and getting just as angry at the other person.  Sound familiar?

In doing my own work here is what I discovered:  Whenever there is an upset or anger, it’s about them, NOT me. Once I could put some space between their action and my reaction, I could choose how I reacted rather than be on automatic pilot and retaliate.

When I really watch the other person in their rage, I can see facial changes, tensing muscles, and hurt in their eyes.  They are reacting to something inside them and taking it out on me.  I go inside to inquire about what I can do to break the anger spell.  I first check how I am feeling.  I, initially, want to lash out. However, I remember it’s about them, NOT me.  So I get very curious about them and what they might be dealing with. In that space I created I find compassion and loving. I become very understanding and acknowledge what they are going through.  I ask them how they feel and acknowledge it.  When they feel heard, then we can talk more sanely.  NOTHING can be resolved until they feel heard and the irony is that most often they don't know it.

Getting angry right back only perpetuates the issues.  Things escalate things are said and  feelings are hurt.  Nothing is resolved.  Be loving and caring no matter how hard it is.  That’s what they need: LOVE and CARING.  Usually an upset is due to feeling hurt or bad about something else.  Most of us lash out when we feel like that.  Try being loving and caring and see the kind of response you get. It’s truly what they want….and so do you.

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I have often found myself “zoning out” while listening  to someone telling me about an event.  The person talking is telling me facts, opinions and assessments of what happened all mixed in together.  I get exhausted and confused trying to decipher what is the truth about what is said.  Does this happen to you?

Let me break it down…

FACT - a thing that is indisputably the case or a piece of information used as evidence.

OPINION - a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

STORY - an account of imaginary or real people and events told for entertainment.

Let’s say that we are working on a project with several other people and we are meeting to decide the next steps.  The purpose of the meeting is to inform everyone of the current status so the next steps will be clear.

George is in charge of the financial piece.  He tells us that we are over budget (FACT) and he is worried. (STORY)  We have spent X dollars so far and we shouldn’t have spent so much on personnel (opinion).  He thinks we should cut back on spending per week. (opinion) If we don’t cut back we will fail as a department (STORY).  He thinks the problem is Harry (opinion) because Harry has created this problem before (opinion and story)

Here is a factual version: We have spent $50,000 of the  $100,000 allowed budget for this  project.  Based on my calculations, we will need $90,000 to complete the project.  That puts us over budget by $40,000.  My recommendations are blah, blah, and blah.  Does anyone have further input or suggestions for resolving this issue?

What is clear about this is I don’t have to figure out what is so or what is opinion or what is made up.  There is no filtering for if I need to find out more about Harry or do I need to review the budget myself for the details. Just having the facts allows us to be more clear about a direction and less time is taken to get to a resolve.

This tool works for business and personal relationships. The more you stick to the facts, the less emotion and upset occurs.

Listen during your next meeting and see how hard you work to filter out the necessary information or if you check out during the conversation. Then ask questions to get to the facts.

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I was so busy doing what others wanted of me or what I thought others wanted of me, I didn’t know what I wanted for me.  Several years ago I found myself by myself for the first time without a husband, children or pets or anything I had to be accountable to.  I began asking myself what I wanted in my life. Amazed, I discovered I had no idea what I wanted for me. after several months of trying various avenues, I found myself irritable, impatient and short tempered...all things that were not my usual self.  How many of you are in this place?

An introspective journey uncovered that I had no purpose.  Nothing to get up in the morning for.  No WHY I should get up.  In deepening my inquiry I kept coming back to I want to make a difference with people.

I LOVE to show people how to be accountable to themselves (make promises and keep them with themselves) Why?  Because when I am accountable, I CANNOT be in a victim place.  I become in charge of how I feel, what I do and how I react to what happens in my life. And that’s what I was going through.  I had no accountability to myself for anything.  No promises to keep, no deadlines to meet and no sense of accomplishment.  No wonder I was a grouch.

So, what is your deepest desire?  What do you love about what you do? What if you could always do what you loved and get paid?

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Oh! The agony of looking bad to others; looking foolish; looking like I don’t know what I’m doing!!! ARG!  I remember feeling this.  Can you relate?

Why is it we’re so afraid of what other people think of us? Years ago I can remember doing ANYTHING to look good, be smart, and fit in.  What I’ve learned is that risk taking is a major part of success. Being willing to look bad or foolish is part of the process of becoming a success in business or personal life.

When my daughter was 2, she learned how to go up and down a step without using her hands and scooting. She decided to learn this at the Zoo.  All day long her interest was in going up and down the curb.  Sometimes she fell, sometimes she got it right, sometimes she got frustrated and in the long run she mastered it.  She didn’t care that she was there to see the animals or if people were watching her with judgement. She was willing to “look bad” (doing the unexpected or unpopular thing) in order to get to mastery.

We all look foolish when we attempt anything for the first time.   But somehow as we grew older we lost the ability to be ok with this particularly if it was leading us to a place of great gain.

Before you can get really good at anything, you need to practice.  AND you may not look good while you get it right.  Or, in other words, you’re going to occasionally look bad on your way to success. You may be smart, gifted, and talented.  You may have innate skills and  ability beyond your peers. And if you are unwilling to risk not looking good, you’ll never, ever reach your full potential.

God has given you a purpose for being on the planet: maybe to write a song or a book, to start a business or help others.  When you get out of your area of comfort in order to achieve what you’ve always dreamed of doing,  you can’t let your fear of what others think stop you.  And in the beginning you might look like you don’t know what you’re doing.  And ironically, no one knows what they are doing until they do it, until they do it over and over again and they fail and get back up and attempt to do it again.

The question is not, “Will you ever look foolish?”  Of course you will.  All of us will.  It’s unavoidable.  The question is, “What are you willing to look foolish over?”  If there is something you want to do, need to do – ah, MUST do – then dare to look foolish and embrace it. And that requires that you jump in without having all the skills to succeed.  To learn to swim, you must start to swim.  You must go through the struggle until you get to the fluid motion of an accomplished swimmer.  You have to sometimes risk drowning in order to swim to the goal. Where are you holding back?  Are you willing to look bad and foolish to accomplish your dream and fulfill your purpose?

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It took me a long time and many coaching sessions to get that a sales conversation with someone is NOT about me or my product. It’s about THEM.  People want to tell their story and be heard.  A person will NOT buy anything unless s/he gets the experience that I have their interest at heart and I have heard what they want and need.  This is a somewhat difficult skill to learn.

Most of us think that relating is sharing stories back and forth, when it actually is “getting” each other. So, when in a sales conversation, your focus must be on them.  Where are they now at this time in their growth, business, health etc.  Listen and ask questions to really understand where they are.  Then ask about them.  What do they want?  What do they need?  What have they done to get there?  They will have an experience of you that you care and will feel heard.

For example: No one really needs a new vitamin, supplement,  or mineral.  One wants and needs a sense that they will get “increased:” Feel better, have a better outlook on life, etc.  They have to get the experience that you can bring them this.  They are buying you, not your product.

When in the conversation get very curious about them. Let them expound on their stuff and what they want.  As you listen enthusiastically they will open up more and sell themselves.

So it’s very important to focus on them.  My stories don’t matter unless they serve the prospect.  Just sharing to be sharing minimizes their experience of themselves. AND that is what they want more of. They want the increased experience of themselves and more of what you have. Then they buy.

Think about a time when you did most of the talking to “convince” a prospect that they needed the product/service.  Convincing is about you.  "Getting" them is where the sale is.

Leave a comment if you get what I’m saying

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Have you ever found yourself thinking or talking to yourself when with another person?  I can’t tell you how many times I would be with someone and as they talked, my mind wandered to what they were wearing, their accent, their attractiveness or not….all my opinions and judgements floating around and I mostly missed what they were saying. I bet you can relate.

We all come from a culture: foreign country, the deep south in USA, the Little Italy part of town, etc.  It is so amazing to me how we even communicate with each other. I learned that if I truly want to relate with a person, I must transcend their culture and see them as an individual with goals, dreams and wanting to belong…just like me.

I get very curious about the people I am talking with and have the focus be all about them. My mind is not allowed to chat about them in my head and I ask them a lot of questions to go deeper than just news, weather and sports. I want to know who they are and what’s important to them. I want them to have an experience of themselves and of me in the conversation. They may not remember my name.  They will remember the experience.

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I believe that the Universe/God, Higher Power, Spirit provides all that I need.  All I have to do is be conscious that the Divine Spirit is within me and take inspired action toward my dream.  I first have to be very clear about what I want. Visualize it and make it real in my mind. Then ASK.  (Ask and ye shall be given)  SEEK opportunity to take inspired action. (Seek and ye shall find) KNOCK and be bold. (Knock and the door will be opened to you)

Now there is work to be done.  Our egos believe that we have to figure it out, know how to do it and get it right.  All of this gets in the way of the flow of the all providing universe. ALL we have to do is be aware, understand and know that the universe will provide and trust, believe, and feel that it will. We must be open to receive and that’s the WORK.  Get out of our way so we can receive the abundance right there waiting for us.

You may think this is a religious message.  NO, it is a spiritual one.  We are all connected and flow in and out of connection.  When we flow out..it becomes hard.  When we flow in..all is handled with ease and grace.

If we can stay in this zone, there are no worries, fear or pain.  We believe, ask, seek and knock.  All will come to us, IF we do the work to get out of our way.

Can you imagine what life would be like  if we were OK with whatever happened...all of the happenings are for a reason….to learn, to grow, to connect on and on… there are no accidents.  So, ask, seek and knock believing and feeling it is done and see what happens.

I’d love to hear if this works for you

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There are several key factors in manifesting your wants and needs.

1. Ask for what you want. Be specific. Write it down in every last detail.

2. Visualize it here now and include the feelings of what it’s like to have this thing you want.

3. Be ready to receive.  Look for opportunities.  Expect it to show up.

4. Take inspired action. Through meditation, reading, praying or just quieting your mind.  An inspiration will come to you.   Take action on this inspiration as soon as you can.

What is inspired action?  It is the law of God action.  The law of Inspired Action is the Tao. It is the way of non-doing. Less and less is done until when nothing is done, nothing is left undone. It means to take only inspired action. There may be several actions that you think you could take, but one of them is what you are most drawn to. There is a “feel like” doing to it. You feel least resistance towards doing it. That is the action to take because you are most in alignment with it. When you do inspired action, the energy flow is there and therefore it is not unnatural but natural action. By Secrets of Mind Reality

We too often push the river and do what we think is best or right to get to our goals.  We are in our heads doing this.  As we be quiet/meditate ideas come to us as what is next for attaining our goal.  We feel inspired and it feels easy and right.  This is the guidance for your path.

I’d love to hear of some inspired actions that led you to your goals.