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I once joined a dating site to see if I could find Mr. Right.  Boy! was that an experience! The first possibility arrived late, weighing at least 200 pounds more than he weighed in his picture...YEOW!  Second possibility was so in love with himself, I don’t know how he was able to fit me in.  And the third showed up having aged about 30 years between the picture and the meeting... The fourth was like a robot.  He seemed to rehearse what he would say and regurgitate it out at the appropriate time.  These “pretends,” lies, half-truths happen in business everyday.  “Products do miracles,”  “oh, the extra costs are..,” “Have I got a deal for you.”

All of these types of statements have me running the other way.  None of them are authentic. When a salesperson talks to me, I want to know s/he is interested in what I want and need, not how good s/he  or the product is.  They all start sounding like the old used car salesman. To really develop relationship or sell a product you HAVE to be authentic.  Be yourself, tell the truth and DO NOT lie, stretch the truth or omit important information....The consumer AND your potential relationship are not that dumb...they can see behind the mask, so it’s just easier, smarter and more productive to be yourself and tell the truth:  If you’re nervous, say so.  If you feel the other person isn’t listening, ask.  If the salesman seems more interested in the next customer than you, call his attention to it.  Just be real....it’s way more inviting.

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In previous blogs we have discussed that we make up stuff, we are in relationship with our opinions and judgements, and we love to be right.  These are basic human traits.  HOW DO WE POSSIBLY RELATE TO EACH OTHER???  So here is a hot tip.  We do these things to get the payoff: suffering.  I bet heads turned and dander went up.  When we suffer we don’t have to be responsible and can blame others.  We can hide out and not show up as we truly can be. We have an excuse for why “things” aren’t going right and it isn’t us.

This state of suffering is very strong and will override love in a relationship, success in a business and kill our passion.  I suggest that is why we seem to be society of people that feel like victims.  The world is happening to us and we have no control.  The way out is to

        Honor our communication partners as if they were a God

        Check out stuff before you act on what you made up

        Get curious about the people in your life vs relate to what you already know

        Be willing to let others be right

I”d love to hear any comments from you on this.

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“I already know how most people are...  I already know what your answer will be, so why ask?”  We develop opinions and judgements about others in a matter of seconds and then treat them like that’s all there is to them.  We look for evidence to be right about the opinions and judgements we made up and continue to cement what we already know.

Rarely do we look for something new in a person.  Once we have them “made” there is no more curiosity about them.  Listen to yourself when you are planning a difficult conversation with a close person.  You have the entire conversation (both sides) in your head before you open your mouth.  You are talking to the opinions and judgements, NOT the person.

I remember a story where a man had a flat tire in the desert about 3 miles from town and has no spare.  He takes the tire off and rolls it toward town.  It is so hot, he is so miserable and he begins the conversation, “They probably won’t be open when I get there.  Won’t even have the size I need.  I won’t have enough money, etc etc etc”  Well, he finally arrives at the tire shop, throws the tire through the window and says, “never mind, I don’t need your tire, anyway!”  He was in total relationship with his opinions and judgements of the people in the tire store, WITHOUT  ever meeting them. We do this all the time.

Think back to some stories you made up about people or situations.  Look at your relationship with your significant other:  Are you ever curious about new things?  I bet not.....See if you can find one new thing about the people in your life and see how different you feel about them.  Then come write a comment to share the experience with others.

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I have a frown!  It’s on my face when I am thinking, confused, concentrating or angry.... I look mad when the frown is there. People make up all kinds of stuff about my frown:  I am disapproving, angry, frustrated etc.  Then they react as if what they made up is true.  WITHOUT CHECKING IT OUT. This creates major misunderstandings.

Remember an earlier blog about the 6 different communications that happen at the same time?  Well, If you make up what you think s/he said and respond to that as if it is true, it may not be correct.  Knowing there are so many ways to misunderstand, always check it out.  If you feel upset with respect to what the other person says, ALWAYS check it out before you react.

Please make a comment about times you made up something that was incorrect......

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Are you carrying a lump in your throat or a knot in your tummy?  You have something to say and it won’t be easy because the other person probably doesn’t want to hear it. Sound familiar?  So often we are so focused on what we want to say, we forget to take care of the other person during the hard conversation.  Hard conversations are HARD, that’s why they are called hard!

There are 4 parts to a successful hard conversation

1. Get permission.  “I have a conversation I want to have with you and it might be hard for you to hear.  Would now be a good time or can we make an appointment?”

2. Prepare their listening: This is a hard conversation for me, so I might stutter a little.  How I would like you to listen to this conversation is from a place of knowing I care about you and want to change some of the ways we communicate.”

3. Listen to their listening.  Watch how they are responding and check to see if they are on the same page with you.  If at any time you sense they are not hearing what you are saying or their reaction is off, stop yourself and ask how they are hearing what you are saying.

4. Take care of the other person while in the conversation: “Well, your reaction doesn’t go with what I intended to say, so I just want to clear up any misunderstanding as we go along.  I really care about you and it is important to me that we work this through.”

Tempers flare or feelings get hurt in a conversation.   Incorporating the 4 elements of a communication will minimize the “hard” in these conversations.

Let me know if these tips are helpful.

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Do you ever find yourself in a conversation and they respond with something WAY different than you expected?  The more you try to clean it up, the more confusing it gets to both of you.  Here’s why:  Anytime you are in a conversation with another person there are 6 possible meanings:

• What you mean to say

• What you actually say

• What the other person hears

• What the other person thinks s/he hears

• What you think the other person says about what you said

• What you think the other person said about what you said

Now, is it any wonder that we communicate at all?  All 6 are going on at the same time.  It’s so important to get clear about what is being said and heard.

The best rule of thumb is to watch to how the other person is reacting to you because the meaning of any communication is the RESPONSE you get.  It doesn’t matter what you said or meant to say.  Their RESPONSE is the communication they heard.  If they react differently than you expected, get very curious about what they heard

I’d love to hear any stories from you about your experience.

You have 3-5 personal goals.   Are they in plain sight at your desk or on your mobile device?  Most of us, if we write down a goal, put it away in a folder or out of sight.  Put them on a clipboard or on the wall in front of your desk.  Read them out loud several times a day like you know they will happen.  We become what we think...if you’re thinking of your personal goals several times a day...you will become what you think.  Share your personal goals with others.  Ask them to hold you to account.  The more public and “out loud” you are with your goals, the more chance to achieve them.

Try a little experiment:  Just for this week read your goal out loud for a minimum of 3x per day and  then come back and leave a comment about how much more you believe it by the end of the week.

Photo Credit: Dun and Bradstreat

Are you ready to invent an outrageous life that you love?

Both in business and personally?

Our current life is a conglomeration of our decisions, wishes, speaking and thoughts.  We have beliefs that limit who we think we are in life and what we attract to us. Listen to how you talk.  Do you have words like “should, if, I can’t, he won’t, they always, etc.?”  Each of these words design how you live your life whether they are spoken or just thought.  Learn how to manage your language and thoughts so that you can invent the life you want by changing how you think and speak.  Break the old patterns that have designed your life.

I’d love to read comments about how your beliefs, thoughts and speaking have limited who you are in the world.

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